What if…

Recently the thought crossed my mind, as I am sure it does to lots of other people:

“how would my life change if I didn’t want to do this?”

And I did something I don’t usually let myself do. I really thought about it.

Like….what if my body and my face weren’t part of my resume? What if my product was something other than myself?
What if I could get a pay check on a regular basis and not wonder every day if this was worth it? What if I could work and go home at night and not think “I could do more”? What if I wasn’t in limbo literally 100% of the time?
​​(This is my thinking face. I prefer wine. Coffee is just okay in comparison.)

But here’s the thing….

I think (I don’t know for sure because this is the only thing I have known I would ever do) that this is what everyone thinks.

No matter the job. Or the life.

I think everyone wonders. I think it’s human nature to wonder and think that whatever life is different from yours is easier. Or better.

So after letting myself sit with this for a while, here are the answers I found to my questions:

What if my body wasn’t my resume?  I’d still be concerned about being healthy and I’d still stress over it. There are a hell of a lot of people who’s job isn’t directly influenced by their physicality and yet it still plagues them. We also live in a world where attractive features are seen as trustworthy and good. No matter what your career is, your outward appearance is an obstacle we all have to deal with and learn to love. No matter how long it takes.

What if my product was something other than myself?  It sounds like a lovely idea, marketing for an object or company that is not you. But if you break it down, most people (this is a generalization I realize…but this is my comforting thought process so let me have this one!) dream of being an entrepreneur. Of owning their own business. Of being fully in charge of their work. So having myself as my product and business, am I not my own entrepreneur?  I have full control. As stressful as that may be…it’s kind of amazing.

What if I could get a regular paycheck?  About this time last year, I worked full time. I got a regular paycheck and had insurance and a 401K and Christmas bonuses. I would get up every morning and workout at 6am and go to work (I worked from home, but still….it was an all day affair). Monday-Friday I was an employee, granted I would leave for quick bouts to go to auditions, but I was always one foot out the door when I went to them. My mind was always back at work. So I have tested that life. And I have learned it doesn’t suit me. And that “wonder whether it’s worth it” part of my question? I was doing the same thing….in reference to this full time job instead.

What if I could go home at night and not wonder whether “I could do more”?  Guess what? Even at that full time job that was “just a job” and was supposed to end when I turned off my computer? I still thought every day I didn’t spend my time wisely. That I could have gotten more done. That I wasn’t giving it my all. Once again, this is human nature! We want to be all the things all the time. We kinda have to let that go. I’m working on it…

And what if I wasn’t in limbo literally 100% of the time?  I think what my brain means here is that feeling that this is not the best place , good path, the best life, etc. But…what is a “good life”? I think it’s a series of good days. And I think this is much more achievable if you are doing what you want to do. No matter how hard the long run of that goal is. It’s the days that get you there where all the good stuff happens.

Who knew sitting with the “bad thoughts” would actually prove pretty helpful. Also sitting with them while having a glass of wine was even more helpful.

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